How It Hurts..

somehow i knew it will hurt.. but it exceeded my expectations. and i do not know why. have i entrusted my whole self into this already? haven't i learnt my lesson not to do that anymore? but i cannot help it. it felt really good. and i didn't do it because it felt good. i did it because i wanted to. it was based on a decision. i wanted her to be happy. i knew she enjoyed my company because i enjoyed hers, thoroughly, almost to the point of perfection. i felt really connected. how can this be?

i once heard that if you saw the ONE, you will know it for sure. i didn't actually believe in that. i thought it was some mambo jambo. (amazing isn't it? for me to use this term to describe something that is rubbish. i've changed. overnight. i could not have believed myself at all. i decided to stop my wednesday routine. yes, i am crazy. well, enough of sidetracking.) i thought, "how can anyone know for sure just by one look, that the person in front of you is the ONE?" and the reply i got was, "you will just know." how can this be?

everything seems to fall into place. the ideals that i looked for. it all fits. it didn't happen in an instant. it actually took a while, but a really brief one. i was desperately falling. it is not supposed to be like that. it is even taboo. i am hurting quite badly. but it is perfectly alright. this is for a good cause. a very good cause. it is strange how the people around you tell you that love is selfish. for one, i almost thought that it is true. but recently, i have learnt otherwise. love is a choice and is based on a decision. you can choose to make love selfish, or you can make it anything other than selfish. as a child of God, i loved how the bible describes love in 1 Cor 13 of the NIV version,

^"1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

i may sound really foolish above but it is only for me to know what meaning the above holds. just to make it really clear. i am in no way accusing anyone of anything. this is all for myself. when you love someone, you will give everything just to protect that person. and i want to do just that now. i am sincerely sorry for being a nuisance and creating unnecessary upheavals of anxiety and discomfort. i have lost once again. but i will hold on to this for a little while longer, till someone tells me it is really over. i have missed out before, and i am not going to let it happen to me this time. for now, it is not over till it is over. i am going to hold on. it is a bitter decision for me. it cut me really deep and i do not know why. have i committed myself already? foolish.. utterly foolish.. why oh why? as i am writing this, the pain is excruciating. the decision to leave.. how can this be?

it hurts, but for the better.